To The ‘Idea of You’
The Idea of You
It’s been a long time and I still can’t believe that I even thought of writing something like this. I don’t even remember the last time I thought about you. Human mind is so strange isn’t it – All those memories, and after all that effort I had put in to forget and after moving on, in a minute it all came back to me like some kind of a flash back from a 90s dramatic movie and here I am, writing about the one thing I always thought I wouldn’t write about – The idea of you.
After you deserted me, it’s quite obvious, I guess, that I did throw in a lot of curses at you for everything you did but after all these years, this Idea of you inside me, never faded away, but instead has somehow convinced me that maybe it was hard for you to leave me too. Just, Maybe. How much ever distant it is to reality or how much ever it really relates to you doesn’t really matter because it’s much more comfortable for me to think about it this way. After all, all that remains of you is just an abstract thought.
I have changed so much ever since that I don’t even remember how I used to be. People have left me because they thought I was not being me and that I changed too much, for them to find whatever they wanted to find in me the 1st place & people came into my life because they resonated with the changes that happened to me. Hell, some people left me because they judged me as being the same old person and some stayed because they thought I was the same. It’s fair to say that even you would have changed but this idea of you, the idea of the person I loved never changed in me, but only grew very fond of me.
I convinced myself that you had “died” because I really couldn’t find the person I loved, under this same old Chennai sky and all that was remaining was nothing like how you used to be. But somewhere down the line, this whole idea of the person that I once loved grew up with me and it said, “I’ll never leave you, Bhuvanesh. Even if you will “- Only that this time I truly knew it in my heart that it might actually turn out to be true. Ironical to all those poems I wrote about your looks, sometimes I don’t even remember how you looked unless I see that one picture that you sent me once. But I didn’t think a lot about you because, ironically, life was way too beautiful for me, than I ever imagined, to think about you. Life gave me a lot of souls to think about, than to think about you. Strangely, I was no longer alone in my dreams, I was no longer alone in conversations, I was no longer singing my songs alone and I never sat in a corner of a coffee shop all alone. Life gifted me many opportunities that I think you never deserved a minute of my mind space to think about, but strangely, I believe that this “idea of you” waited patiently, hiding behind some mystical memory waiting for something that I am still not very sure about.
Things were so ugly back those days that I seem to carry a stern opinion about it. I think it’s obvious that I wanted to stab this idea of you. I have cursed you more number of times than I have ever thought of you in a loving way. But this idea of you, endured it all, and kept convincing me that maybe the real person would have done all that nonsense, but this idea of the person I loved was never guilty, but guilty of love. It endured everything I threw at it and it has become a part of me. I do agree with V, from “V for Vendetta” – Ideas are bulletproof.
I still do remember those goodbyes you used to say via your eyes, those late night texts, the way you proposed me, those many last conversations we have had, those idiotic dreams and the many heroic things I used to think to get you back and now after all these years, that favorite song of mine doesn’t remind me of you that often, that song ( Kal ho na ho) which I introduced to you and which you listened the entire trip you went with you friends, never bothers me; your name doesn’t remind me of you as much as it reminds me of that actress with the same name and yet today, this moment I seem to share too many memories with this “Idea of you”. Do you know how beautiful it is to know that such painful thoughts with someone can still have such beauty inside it? Do you know how it is to think and have an idea of someone, that you know will never disappoint you? With a one whose maybes mean maybes?
Everywhere I go, I search for this idea of you inside the people I meet. Many people came into my life and many of them wanted to replace you, and I did believe that some of them will replace you but let’s face it, you’re replaceable but my love for this idea of yourself can never be replaced. All the romantic drama that happened in my life after you, never made me fall in love. I was truly in love with you and that has given me the hope to look out for love with whomsoever I will spend my life with.
“A girl like you deserves a prince charming from the heaven”, I said. “Bhuvanesh, you’re my prince” you said before calling and expressing your love to me for the very 1st time. But maybe all that you ever deserved was crap but the catch here is, I do believe that beneath everything that you are, maybe this Idea of You that I am very fond of still resides somewhere. Maybe you still know it in your heart. Whatever be it honey, hold on to that idea, if it still exists, not because I love that person, but because that is the purest any person can ever be and the earth deserves such a person. Also, because it can be really comfortable to know that there is someone under this sky, far from here, who is as good and perfect as anyone can ever be.
“…..And in the end, we can blame the stars or tell ourselves that it wasn’t meant to be, but deep down, we know the fault was in ourselves…..”. – The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
Note: The accounts stated above may or may not be fictional, partially or wholly. Any resemblance to anyone Alive or DEAD is purely coincidental.